A strange damp cloud cover today. The dew was so heavy this morning when Dot and I went outside at six thirty that I thought it was about to rain. But the rain has been very light. A few crocuses have come up through the moss but the blossoms and the budding leafs on the trees are refusing to budge, as if they are holding their breaths like a stubborn baby.
Life goes on. Cleaning my office and Dot messing it up. I listened to one podcast: the NYT’s The Daily and I enjoyed hearing how people all over the country were so civilized and kind to each other while their businesses were shutting down and while they had to still soldier on while putting themselves at risk to make a buck. Cab driversnin surgical gloves and masks as if they were heart surgeons and bar owners bidding their regulars a fond farewell. Until we meet again. It all feels like an old war movie, giving us a chance to be brave in the face of danger. Maybe that’s too much, but that’s how it feels sometime when I look at other people trying their best.
I recorded a reading on my iPhone but now I have no idea how to get it on this web page. I will keep fussing. Dot is of not much help but at least she stopped eating my office. A topic came up from the mail and in conversation. I imagine you think about it too. Why is it that the poor suffer disproportionately more than the rich in America? Our President shrugs his shoulders and said in front of everyone“It may not be right, but it’s probably just the way it is.” (or something like that) which I’m afraid, like it or not has always been true in America. Franklin Roosevelt tried to do something about it, he kept getting elected but my social studies teacher in middle school called him, (and I swear to God this is true) “that Jew in the White House.” He also referred to the Axis Powers as the “Japs and the Krauts” (anyway…that’s another subject)
But what to do? I mean right now today. What to do about hatred, ignorance and stupidity? Particularly when you can’t mount the barricades or form a march? A Million Woman March would look interesting I suppose if everyone kept six feet apart, but still it’s probably not safe.
This goes a bit to my opinion topic of yesterday. Of course we should still express ourselves on line and it what ever forum we want. But in these circumstances when we are not meeting directly with other people and we are spending time alone it might be best for our mental health if we could put our frustration aside and focus on a loving aspect.
I know… not as much fun as ranting. Also it makes me sound like a fucking Pollyanna, which I am not. I am not a perfect nor a necessarily kind person. I just know that anger that had no real resolution eventually turns inward and then becomes depression and self hatred. So… I’m trying to turn off the news and think loving thoughts about everyone,or at least about everyone I can, this includes Mike Pence, and Dr. Fauci who I honestly think are trying their best. Donald Trump? He is much more difficult for me personally and I take this on as a challenge. Actually I think he might have been all right back in New York when he was just a rich man and wanted a good table at the Russian Tea Room, and Studio 54. I might have liked him…. No… I might have gotten a kick out of him. I bet he had a certain amount of that kind of Blustery New York bullshitty charm. Like a gangster, he would have been interesting to meet. Once during college there was a guy in my modern film class who was unlike anyone else: fat, greasy hair, leather jacket the only movie he wanted to talk about was Citizen Kane. This was 1976, he was utterly unlike any of the other serape and sandals students. I was interested in him and started hanging out with him. Anyway it turned out that he was a gangster and he ran a whore house down by the airport in Seattle. He offered me a job working at the desk just “collecting the receipts and the cash” so he said. It paid a hundred a night for four hours work which was a fortune at that time. Jan insisted on going with me to the job interview. I met the guys boss and he was a real live gangster out of Scorsese. Gold Chains, leather, chest hair, the entire kit. Anyway the job involved me taking a bust that was coming up and going to jail. “It’s no problem. I have the cops, I have the judge. I will give you a grand and you will be in jail for two hours tops.” He was interesting and I got a kick out of him. I told him no politely. He also offered Jan a job. She said also said no, “for hygiene reasons” to be polite. Anyway… I liked these guys in the same way I probably would have liked Mr. Trump. I worry about those guys from time to time, and I hope they didn’t die of AIDS in the eighties, or didn’t get dragged into a long stint in jail. But I’m glad I didn’t trust them or have my fate entwined with theirs. Which is unfortunately how I feel about our President.
I hope that doesn’t make me condescending, or a hypocrite. I honestly did like those guys, and the women in the whore house that I met seemed honest and likable. They were making money to get by in America and they liked to laugh and I also hoped they made it out of that life without injury. But they kind of scared me too. They seemed so reckless, it was clear what they were doing was dangerous but while they were tough and allied themselves with tough men they were vulnerable. Beneath the makeup and tight dresses they seemed to know that their lives were all about to go to shit in death or disease or jail, and they apparently wanted everyone to know that they both were frightened by it and didn’t care.
What I’m saying is everyone is deserving of loving thoughts especially when we have nothing else to do but sit and stew about some shitty disease that might kill us. I wish I could give those gangsters and whores a hug right now. I hope they are okay. I would even give Trump a big hug on election night after he looses in November because I know he will be heartbroken and that will be genuinely hard for him, and I pray that he takes it with whatever amount of dignity that he can muster, and I do think he is going to lose, because all he has going for him now is hatred and anger, and I honestly believe that his petty anger at reporters and democrats, and scientists, and anyone who doesn’t idolize him… that kind of anger cannot defeat love and generosity. I just don’t believe it.
Sorry… I digress. What to do: Pick up your mail. Don’t let it pile up. Call your sister or your brother. Call your best friend. Remember be real, but AVOID SELF PITY, and try to say something explicitly loving. Practice it first with someone else so it doesn’t sound weird or nervous. Otherwise you might end up sounding like a serial killer. (pro-tip.. learned from experience)
Have some contact with a plant or an animal.
If you don’t have your own dog, walk a sick friends dog. Call them up and have them tie the dog up outside. Wear gloves and sanitize the leash and collar. Bring treats for the dog and the people. Don’t leave both sets of treats together where the dog can get them. (pro-tip)
If you want to get a dog, Consider an older shelter dog. They’ll be dead soon anyway. Hey… they’re dogs. They aren’t reading this.
Buy a plant, get a cutting from a friend and tend to it. Love it like it knows you. Get some advice on how to take care of plants. I am personally terrible at it. But I might give it another try depending on how long this goes on.
Learn another language. Or start to learn another language. Learn how to flirt with people first. Learn how to say… “You look lovely today.” in Spanish or German. It will make someone feel good. Again be fun and light about it and see the serial killer advice.
Plant something from a seed and talk to it everyday. Take a picture of it with a little sign that says “Day One”
Remember this may go on. That’s okay. The one good thing while living under an existential threat is that… yes you might die… yes lots of people might die… so only worry about the things that are going to change your circumstances in the next week. If you have only two weeks worth of money you are obviously pretty good on living with short supply so make it last another week and worry about it later. Running out of money is a bitch….. but we will come up with some solution. If we live we will go back to work. If we die then we don’t have to worry about a thing. So you don’t have to stress about money anymore that you did before this virus thing, and in fact this virus thing will probably shake up the economy enough to create new opportunities that weren’t there before it happened. So if things are life and death… don’t waste time worrying about money. Reach out to the people you love and figure out how to be happy for one more day… then another day… and another.
That’s a good list for today.
I’m going to try and load and audio of my reading but don’t hold your breath.
Crows eating corndogs
in the back of a pickup
up front, small dog barks.
jhs
