Ketamine infusion day: Fog down on the deck today, rain, which seems appropriate somehow. Up at six and off to the hospital for an early Covid virus test which I passed with flying colors apparently. I waited around for an hour and they let me in without problem.
Then after what seemed to be a lot of questions and fussing the exceptionally kind staff at SEARHC settle me in to a bed, hooked me up to an IV, blood pressure cuff, EKG machine and then pump me full of Ketamine, which is my once every two month treatment for depression. I am supposed to go every six weeks but I try to stretch it out seeing if I can go longer each time, but two months is about my limit, until the effects of depression become debilitating again: Lethargy, Intrusive thoughts of suicide, anxiety, lack of motivation, mostly. During the infusion I dose in and out of what feels like a mild LSD trip. Or did at first, now it feels like more of an intense semi-waking dream of having my brain scrubbed. All I remember from the dream this time was I tried to sit up and I said out loud, “Radio Rhakeem, help me.” If I remember correctly Radio Rhakeem was a character in Spike Lee’s film “Do The Right Thing” who carried around a huge boom box playing NWA. I don’t know why but this morning I was asking for his help. Strange. It seemed very important and very profound this morning, and made perfect sense. The visual hallucinations were rather frightening today, whenever I opened my eyes the hospital room looked like the inside of a freezer. So I closed my eyes. Each time I opened my eyes the ceiling tiles looked to be covered with more frost, and then thicker and thicker with ice. The walls began to close in with ice. The heart monitor beeping kept changing pitch which was also odd. Then I had muscle cramps in my legs and feet. I hadn’t taken my potassium supplements today. The anesthesiologist kept coming out and asking me if I wanted to continue and I told him quite definitely that I did. I think I asked for another blanket because everyone was saying it was cold in that room. Was it really? Maybe that’s where the ice came from. I got the blanket and I was nice and cozy. t took me about two hours at the hospital, from sign in to infusion, until I was awake enough to have Jan drive me home. I’m not supposed to drive all day. They didn’t say anything about blogging.
I’m probably making it sound much more adventurous than it really was. But once it was over I called Jan and she and Dot were down in the parking lot. I woke up properly so I could walk and went to the car and there were my lovelies and Jan had bought Dot french fries which she didn’t want today, and me a cup of ice tea and a single one dollar cheeseburger, which is my favorite. Which I ate cold, and I was quite happy.
So, the amazing thing is, when I say I have “Intrusive thoughts of scuicide” it means I can’t stop having them. It’s like camping in a really buggy area without a mosquito net or repellent. The thoughts are implacable But after the infusion, the thoughts are just gone. “Poof” I can’t even make myself have them. Oh I could, but they have no hold on me, and they seem foreign and foolish. Like making myself think of an elephant when there really is no need to. I also have more energy. I’m writing this blog entry without having to whip myself with guilt. I have a full range of what I think of as appropriate emotions, I’m happy about happy things and sad about sad things, but I’m just not bullied by any of these emotions. I feel in charge and well…. normal.
This will last about a month. Then there will be cracks around the edges, and after about two months the depression will be back and Its time for another infusion. It’s not the best of all possible worlds but it’s pretty great compared to what it used to be. I’m so grateful to my doctor for suggesting this therapy and supporting me having it done here in Sitka, and grateful to the people at SEARHC for being so understanding in administering it. It’s weird for them too, we’ve all been on a learning curve.
I thought I write about it today so you could understand it. If you suffer from difficult to treat depression then you should ask about Ketamine infusion therapy. I was headed for electro convulsive therapy and I have heard very good things about it’s effectiveness but I ran the risk of eye damage which I couldn’t afford. But whatever the choices. Do your best to get the help, reach out and keep reaching out. But get help. Mental health is a genuine health issue, you wouldn’t feel weird about asking for help if your appendix was inflamed. Don’t wait around if your brain is inflamed. There are good people out there that will help you not to suffer.
Islands lost in fog
A duck paddles past the rocks.
Then I disappear.
jhs
Sorry. No photos or recording today. I had to take a walk with Dot.
